I'm a pediatric psychotherapist with a bent toward behaviorism. This is exactly what I wish more parents/caregivers would do! Children (little humans) have a right to figure themselves out -- on their own terms, in their own time. Too many parents interfere with the process. Good parenting.
❤️ that’s awesome you can help be a support system to them as they navigate how to guide their kids, too. The quiet understanding of a parent (even to adult children) goes such a long ways 🙏🏼
I have a son a little younger than yours and he’s been having more emotional outbursts. Things are constantly changing in his world and having to do new things is scary. I get it but it also is hard for me to parent when he doesn’t know how to calm down and that sends me spinning too. Your line “my emotional stability and peace were completely dependent on how my child acted” really resonated with me. That’s how I felt. Everything is good as long as everything is good. My son is teaching me that I can be okay even when things are not going the way I want them too. I’m finally learning to give myself a break from the situation and not feel like I need to fix it immediately. Together, my son and I are learning how to calm down and then find resolutions that work to help in the future. Thank you for sharing how you’re helping your son and yourself. It’s something many of us need to learn and relearn.
I often forget us grown ups basically have the same fits and outbursts when we get angry — they just look different than kids’ versions. I never realized how difficult emotional regulation was until I started to learn about it and realized: oh yeah I don’t know how to do that 😅😭
Hi Ben, I just discovered your page and... Well, if you read all the notifications...
My jaw dropped when I saw this as I walked backwards through your timeline and ran into this post. I am a dad to two autistic boys (15 and 17). I worried in the middle of this post, and then saw character growth, and it was awesome.
I just finished my video explaining how the autistic brain works in simple terms for a wide audience. I think you can understand how proud I am of this video, while also wanting the validation of every person with autism in their lives, and still fearing rejection and offending people for posting it somewhere it's not allowed. (Yes, I'm 100% fishing for permission to post it here because it's relevant - I'm already planning to add it to the post where you invite me to post it...)
I spent 14 hours editing an 11-minute video attempting to explain how an autistic child's brain works, using my son as an example. I'm reaching out to anyone with autism in their life to give me any feedback. I hope to refine my message to provide a tool to help anyone who has little or no experience with autism understand the autistic mind.
I have concerns for when my daughter gets older. First-time dad here.
She’s just a baby now, but I’ve definitely started using her tantrum moments as a chance to meditate. The irony, right? I don’t just let her “cry it out” exactly, but I’ve learned to turn the crying into this weird kind of happy place, if that makes sense.
It helps me mentally run through the checklist. Is she fed? Diaper changed? Nap time? I go through each until everything is ruled out. She cries while I do this. Because I can’t regulate her emotions until mine are in check first. I refuse to pass emotional dysregulation onto her. Prepping myself now for when the harder days come.
I respect the way you’ve approached things with your son. You won’t always be there. Your sanity matters too. Giving him the tools to manage on his own is love. Not becoming a human pacifier.
How old is she? We have a 6-year-old daughter as well ❤️ for me, I’ve found that the “put the oxygen mask on yourself before helping others” approach works in theory, but many times In in situations where I need to be a rock when I don’t feel like I’m a rock. And in those moments I can’t tell my kids to wait while dad gets centered 😅😭 I have to just be there for them when they need it. And that’s really tough at times. I have a finite reserve I can pull from. And in tough seasons, sometimes it’s dry. And then I’m forced to really investigate: what’s my source of life?
12 weeks — congrats!! The book Baby Wise was a LIFE SAVER for that season of life. I could not recommend a book higher than that one for the first few months of being a parent. You got this bro 💪🏼
This was a really honest piece, Ben. I don't have kids of my own, so I can't relate in that sense, but I do know what it's like to try to control things that don't want to be controlled. Really well done.
Loved reading this. I have some big feeling kids over here and I learn at least once a day to let them have their feelings or I soon regret it. Emotions can feel like a minefield sometimes, theirs and mine. Other times I can breathe, remain calm, offer a hug when they are ready and that’s all the magic that’s needed.
I'm a pediatric psychotherapist with a bent toward behaviorism. This is exactly what I wish more parents/caregivers would do! Children (little humans) have a right to figure themselves out -- on their own terms, in their own time. Too many parents interfere with the process. Good parenting.
❤️🙏🏼 thank you. And it’s been a journey (with the help of OT!)
My wife and I live with my daughter, my son-in-law and their two boys, ages 4 and 7. I relate to every word of your post.
❤️ that’s awesome you can help be a support system to them as they navigate how to guide their kids, too. The quiet understanding of a parent (even to adult children) goes such a long ways 🙏🏼
I have a son a little younger than yours and he’s been having more emotional outbursts. Things are constantly changing in his world and having to do new things is scary. I get it but it also is hard for me to parent when he doesn’t know how to calm down and that sends me spinning too. Your line “my emotional stability and peace were completely dependent on how my child acted” really resonated with me. That’s how I felt. Everything is good as long as everything is good. My son is teaching me that I can be okay even when things are not going the way I want them too. I’m finally learning to give myself a break from the situation and not feel like I need to fix it immediately. Together, my son and I are learning how to calm down and then find resolutions that work to help in the future. Thank you for sharing how you’re helping your son and yourself. It’s something many of us need to learn and relearn.
I often forget us grown ups basically have the same fits and outbursts when we get angry — they just look different than kids’ versions. I never realized how difficult emotional regulation was until I started to learn about it and realized: oh yeah I don’t know how to do that 😅😭
Hi Ben, I just discovered your page and... Well, if you read all the notifications...
My jaw dropped when I saw this as I walked backwards through your timeline and ran into this post. I am a dad to two autistic boys (15 and 17). I worried in the middle of this post, and then saw character growth, and it was awesome.
I just finished my video explaining how the autistic brain works in simple terms for a wide audience. I think you can understand how proud I am of this video, while also wanting the validation of every person with autism in their lives, and still fearing rejection and offending people for posting it somewhere it's not allowed. (Yes, I'm 100% fishing for permission to post it here because it's relevant - I'm already planning to add it to the post where you invite me to post it...)
It’s a wild ride parenting boys with autism, isn’t it? He’s the sweetest and it’s allowed me to grow as a person.
Yes post it! Please tag me in a comment when you post it so I can check it out!
It appears I don't know how to tag on Substack.
I spent 14 hours editing an 11-minute video attempting to explain how an autistic child's brain works, using my son as an example. I'm reaching out to anyone with autism in their life to give me any feedback. I hope to refine my message to provide a tool to help anyone who has little or no experience with autism understand the autistic mind.
It's on my Substack at https://open.substack.com/pub/spectrumdad/p/the-autistic-mind-explained?r=5ka8w7&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web&showWelcomeOnShare=true
brilliant x
Beautifully written. I admire your answer to managing your son's behaviour.
I have concerns for when my daughter gets older. First-time dad here.
She’s just a baby now, but I’ve definitely started using her tantrum moments as a chance to meditate. The irony, right? I don’t just let her “cry it out” exactly, but I’ve learned to turn the crying into this weird kind of happy place, if that makes sense.
It helps me mentally run through the checklist. Is she fed? Diaper changed? Nap time? I go through each until everything is ruled out. She cries while I do this. Because I can’t regulate her emotions until mine are in check first. I refuse to pass emotional dysregulation onto her. Prepping myself now for when the harder days come.
I respect the way you’ve approached things with your son. You won’t always be there. Your sanity matters too. Giving him the tools to manage on his own is love. Not becoming a human pacifier.
How old is she? We have a 6-year-old daughter as well ❤️ for me, I’ve found that the “put the oxygen mask on yourself before helping others” approach works in theory, but many times In in situations where I need to be a rock when I don’t feel like I’m a rock. And in those moments I can’t tell my kids to wait while dad gets centered 😅😭 I have to just be there for them when they need it. And that’s really tough at times. I have a finite reserve I can pull from. And in tough seasons, sometimes it’s dry. And then I’m forced to really investigate: what’s my source of life?
Your source is living authentically. Which facilitates intentionality. And with intentionality comes pouring from your cup to things that matter.
Being a good dad is one thing. It’s performative. Looking like the ‘idea’ of a good dad.
Being the best dad is another thing entirely. And that’s what you’re doing. Showing up with your best self, whatever that looks like. Intentionally.
Edit: she’s 12 weeks. Lol
12 weeks — congrats!! The book Baby Wise was a LIFE SAVER for that season of life. I could not recommend a book higher than that one for the first few months of being a parent. You got this bro 💪🏼
This was a really honest piece, Ben. I don't have kids of my own, so I can't relate in that sense, but I do know what it's like to try to control things that don't want to be controlled. Really well done.
Thanks, Matt!
Loved reading this. I have some big feeling kids over here and I learn at least once a day to let them have their feelings or I soon regret it. Emotions can feel like a minefield sometimes, theirs and mine. Other times I can breathe, remain calm, offer a hug when they are ready and that’s all the magic that’s needed.
This resonates, I'm a borderline myself.